Life is Chaos

I lie awake at night. I need sleep. I need to study. I need rest so that I can focus at work. I can't sleep because I'm worried about something a friend said to me.

I don't understand anything.

I don't pay attention in class. The book I'm reading is too interesting. I'm smart enough to get by with a passing grade, anyway. It's not like this class is all that important. I'm no rocket scientist, so I won't get a job with too much math.

It makes no sense.

I smile and tell people that I'm having a good day. I play happy songs, wear bracelets that jingle, wear bright sweaters, and dance my silly dances. It's fun, isn't it? We're all so happy with our friends. This is joy. My friends love my beautiful smile.

Bear with it.

I scream and punch the dashboard. It's all I can do. This is the only time I'm alone. I can't let everyone down after I've made so much progress. It's just a phase, anyway. I'll be fine. Don't get everyone worked up for nothing. I'm a happy person.

This is wrong.

I cry into my knees once I know I'm alone. I can't bear it. I even think about how to end it all for brief moments. I can't give up. Not again. Never again. I can't do that to everyone again. I can't do anything. I'm worthless. What do they see in me?

It must be worth it.

I've done it again, and the bruises are getting harder to hide. Thank god I'm a nail-biter. The marks were so much worse the last time around. I know I shouldn't keep doing this, but I don't know what else to do. I need to vent. I need a release so that I can get through this. I can't quit. I won't. Never.

I'll just be me.

I've lost so much weight. How am I losing weight? Aren't I eating? Why? This isn't normal. What's wrong? Why does this hurt so much? I'm supposed to be the bottomless pit. Why can't I bring myself to eat? Why aren't I hungry?

I don't get it.

Smile. I'm surviving. I can get through this. Don't look at me with that disappointed  face. I'm trying, I really am. I swear. What do you want me to do? I don't want to be sad. Letting you down hurts more than anything else. I can't let you down. I can't tell you because I can't bear the disappointment. Knowing that you still believe in me is what keeps me going. I can't stand the thought of you seeing me like that again. I can't.

It won't stop.

It's not a hurricane. Waves aren't violently crashing over my head one after another. It's nothing rough like that. It's slow. Agonizing. I'm chained to the floor in a room with no escape as my own thoughts and emotions pour in around me. They're smothering me. I can't breathe. I know how to swim, so why am I drowning?

I can do this if I breathe.

I cry myself to sleep because I don't know what else to do. It's the only thing that tires me out. It clears my mind so that I wake up refreshed. It prepares me for the next day. I can leave yesterday's problems behind if I cry them away. It's childish, but it's soothing. It's how I work things out. It lets me think. It really is nothing to worry about.

Don't think like that.

I'm tired of the overreactions. I'm tired of the belittling. Don't read into it. I'm not a liar, and you know I'll tell it as it is. Don't be the moron who says I'm groping for attention, and don't think that I need you to save me. Let me be. I'm working at it. Please trust me.

I'll fight.

I won't give up. There's a reason I've gotten this far. There's a reason everyone trust me. They believe in me. I can't give up. Even when I don't want to live, I still don't want to die. I'm stuck, but I won't surrender to myself. I'm better than that. Not by much, but I am. No doubt about it. Don't worry about me because I'll be fine. Let me concentrate.

This is all I need.

I run my usual route past the park. The leaves beneath my feat signal Winter's inevitable arrival. Thoughts swirl around my head, racing like my heart. It reminds me that I'm alive. The brisk air. The grey sky. The ever-present chilling breeze. It all sinks into my skin, reminding me. I'm alive. I can keep going. I have to.

This is my life.